Farewell, Sochi

The 2014 winter Olympics saw many great feats of athletic achievement.  Perhaps because of the predictably melodramatic television coverage broadcast to the American audience, I longed for some variety.  Without access to the Canadian broadcasts I revisited some new winter Olympic sports I've been developing since the Vancouver games.  Alright IOC, how about this lineup for 2018?

Skurlington:  a high speed marriage of skeleton and curling.  A skeleton racer launches headfirst down the steep course.  A second later, a curler chucks a rock down the chute.  Which hurtling object gets to the bottom first?  Kind of like this:

photodoctory by Eddie Espinosa

photodoctory by Eddie Espinosa


Ski jumble:  Assemble all the athletes from all the ski disciplines in a group.  Everyone brings their skis.  They all throw their skis into a huge pile in the middle.  An Olympic official chooses two skis at random from the pile and gives them to a randomly selected athlete.  That competitor is then assigned at random to one of the ski events.  You end up with a moguls skier doing freestyle aerials on one super long ski jumping ski and one Nordic ski.

Short track curling:  Shani Davis and his Korean rivals zoom around the short track dodging curling stones and sweepers with brooms.

Figure hockey:  The entire field of figure skating competitors, dressed in decorative performance costume, are given hockey sticks and put on the rink.  Two unguarded nets are placed at opposite ends of the rink.  An honorary fan with minimum blood alcohol content of 0.10 throws a puck onto the ice.  In the ensuing free-for-all, the first country to score a goal wins.

30K Nordic snowboard pursuit:  In this mass start event, all snowboard competitors must complete a 30-kilometer cross-country course on their snowboards.  Both feet must remain in the bindings at all times.

Bobsled half pipe:  who can catch the biggest air and do the sickest tricks in the half pipe in their bobsled?

Luguls:  luge racers launch down the mogul slope in a mass start.  Fastest racer to the bottom wins.  Hold on tight!